Black and the Moon
by werewolf.love
Summary: From the beginning Remus and Sirius knew their relationship would have to endure a lot. They didn't think it would involve 12 years in Azkaban...Fluffish.


Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine…pity.

Author's Note: This is intended to be the background story of Sirius and Remus' love affair starting from the Prisoner of Azkaban and eventually continuing till the unfortunate veil time period. This is how _I_ think it all went down…

Also, to my extreme annoyance, when I submitted this it kept messing around with my italicizing and such, which is what seperated most flashbacks and dreams from reality. Being as that's out the window now, try your best to figure it out. Sorry. I haven't the patience to put it right again.

Black and the Moon

"_Weary with toil, I haste me to my bed,_

_The dear repose for limbs with travel tired;_

But then begins a journey in my head 

_To work my mind, when body's work's expired;_

For then my thoughts-from far where I abide- 

_Intend a zealous pilgrimage to thee,_

_And keep my drooping eyelids open wide,_

_Looking on darkness, which the blind do see;_

Save that my soul's imaginary sight 

_Presents thy shadow to my sightless view,_

_Which, like a jewel hung in ghastly night,_

_Makes black night beauteous and her old face new._

_Lo! Thus, by day my limbs, by night my mind,_

_For thee and for myself no quiet find."_

_-William Shakespeare_

Sirius

Sirius Black slept with his back against a cool stone wall. His body was a tired heap on the ground. His hair, wild and matted with dirt.

A flimsy scrap of paper lay folded at his feet. Torn from the pages of The Daily Prophet, it was crumpled and worn, having been studied over and over for the past few weeks. A family of nine wizards smiled happily from the moving black and white photograph. A pyramid filled the background, standing with magnificence against a cloudless sky.

And there, on the shoulders of a particularly tall and freckly teenage boy, sat a small rodent.

Sirius' breath drew shaky. "He's in Hogwarts," he muttered softly. "He's in Hogwarts."

Even in sleep, his hands moved into angry fists, clinching so hard his fingernails were close to drawing blood in his palms. Livid thoughts gathered on the rodent in the picture. A rat…missing its toe. Fucking unbelievable.

The explosion, a set up…a trick.

And it was all his fault. It had been his idea, after all. His bloody brilliant idea.

Sirius' insides stirred uncomfortably, creating the sensation that he may be sick all over the prison floor.

This sudden wave of nausea woke him from his slumber. Sirius instinctively reached his hand for the folded paper.

But a flicker of movement coming from beyond his chamber sent a shiver running down his back. He left the paper folded on the floor and turned his head to find a shadow stopping in front of his prison cell. A rotting hand slid from the opening of a black sleeve, opening the cell door slowly.

Warily, Sirius changed.

His hollowed face protruded into a snout and his waxy skin grew soft with fur. His senses heightened, bringing to his canine nose the stench of fear and madness. Rough hands became large, black paws. His human spine stretched long under ever strengthening skin, until an unmistakable tail was wagging timidly behind him.

Padfoot sniffed meekly at the dementor as it approached. Cloaked in darkness and disarmed by no signs of a human presence, the dementor swooped from the room.

Happy to be rid of the spine-chilling guard, the large, black dog curled comfortably into a ball.

Dementors can only sense my human form.

I could probably slip easily enough through the bars leading outside.

How long is the swim from here to the mainland?

Sirius knew there was no distance Padfoot could not handle.

There was no length he would not cover. Not when the stakes of revenge were so high. Not when it was the revenge of James Potter's life, cut so short…

1981

Sirius held his lover tightly as they stood in the center of his flat, rain falling heavily against the windowpanes. They had been standing there just holding each other for at least two minutes, neither of them speaking a word. Sirius leaned his cheek against Remus' shoulder. Could the spy for the other side really be the man that Sirius held so close in his arms? 

Remus is too good, Sirius told himself. But Remus could be the insider passing along information to Voldemort. 

You can trust Remus, Sirius told himself. But could he? Could he trust anyone? 

Sirius decided to push the doubt from his mind, at least for the moment. Standing in silence with Remus was the greatest comfort he had felt in forever. Stress from the war was making him feel exhausted and over-processed. He was constantly on the edge, worried, and tired. 

He breathed heavily and buried his face into the nook of Remus' neck. On a night like this, he needed his reassuring embrace more than anything else. 

At least he could be certain of James' safety. James was safe, his secret kept. 

Sirius felt a pang of guilt for not telling Remus the truth. Of course Remus was trustworthy. 

Of course he was. 

But, god, how could he be sure? It was better to be on the safe side. Better to keep it between whom it immediately concerned. 

It bloody well concerns Moony you prat, he thought to himself. 

Sirius tensed his shoulders. 

"Pads?" whispered Remus. Sirius met the soft eyes, only inches from his own, and cocked his head to one side questioningly. 

He took notice of the shadows of raindrops running down the tired face before him. 

"Moony, you look like your dog just died," Sirius said. It was a feeble attempt at lightening the mood and they both realized it as soon as the words passed through his lips. Sirius laughed but Remus' eyes began to swell with tears. 

"Jesus, don't cry. That's the last thing we need," he said softly. He pushed some unruly hair out of Remus' face and tried his own at a grin. Needless to say it was a futile attempt. 

"Sirius. I'm…so worried. I'm worried about everyone and everything…oh fuck it," Remus wiped angrily at a tear running down his cheek. "I just don't understand it. Why?" 

"Why?" 

"Why is this happening? McKinnon, Gideon and Fabian…James and Lily are in hiding. I don't even know where. It's beginning to be too much." 

Sirius smirked. 

"I believe it's been too much since the very beginning, Moony," he replied as if in a daze, feeling the beginning of tears in his own eyes, thinking of his best friend, his godson, and Lily. But he choked them down, swallowing any feelings of worry or anxiety he felt burning inside of him. He needed to be strong for Remus, damn it. And for himself. 

"Listen," he said in his "confident" voice. "People are dying everyday. But there's everything in the world we can do about it and we're doing it. We all are. You, me, James, Peter, all of us. Every last death eater…we'll stop them all…we will. We have to. And if I die tomorrow," Remus cringed at the words. "I'll die knowing that I've made a difference in this fucking war." He placed his hand on the back of Remus' neck, caressing it gently while secretly wishing the time was appropriate for rougher exchanges of affection. 

"Seriously Remus, don't start being a pussy now." Remus punched Sirius playfully in the arm. 

"Shut up or I'll kick your arse. You know I can do it," he joked. They both giggled and the tension that was between them disappeared as Sirius tightened his grip on the back of Remus' neck. 

"It's true. You're like the bloody whomping willow sometimes, mate. No really, I think you've bruised me. I'll be sore in the morning." 

"I hope so," Remus said with a laugh as he leaned forward to kiss Sirius. Their lips met, warm and soft and- 

Sirius broke away. 

"You really are such an enormous poofter, Moony. Does James know you've got a crush on me?" 

Remus laughed, letting out an unintentional snort. The two young men fell apart with laughter, shaking in each other's arms, soaking in every moment like it was their last…and it was. 

A thought struck Remus. 

"Have you seen Peter? I keep trying to get in touch with him but he's been off somewhere I think. For Dumbledore?" 

Sirius shrugged. " I expect he's lying low like the rest of us. I was gonna go see about that later actually. See if everything's all right. You know…" 

Remus grinned. "See about that later, hmm? So what are you planning on doing in the meantime?" 

Sirius shrugged casually. "Don't know, don't know. Any ideas?" 

Remus twirled one of Sirius' hairs in his finger. "I might have a few." 

Sirius' pupils grew dark with interest. "It's pretty amazing, eh? How everything's turned out to be for us all," Sirius stated blatantly while Remus began kissing his neck. "James and Lily getting married, having a baby. That was what, about a year ago, I suppose?" 

Remus made a noise Sirius took for verification. 

"And us." He looked down at Remus, who was sucking gently on his neck. "Well there's not too much to say about us, is there Moony? Hmm, let's see. Two mates, both incredibly dashing, that fancy a good shag every now and then- 

"I fancy a shag," Remus said, leaving the neck and raising his eyebrows. He pressed himself against Sirius." And I'd say it's more often than "now and then" and worlds better than "good". I'd say it's everyday and spectacular." 

"I honestly don't think I've ever heard you say spectacular before Rem. No, don't be ashamed. I like it. Sort of makes me want to shag you again, if that's possible." 

Remus pretended to count on his fingers, "That would make it, what? Three times in one day?" 

"And spectacular every time," Sirius said, grabbing Remus lovingly. 

"Sirius! Oh, you're just so dashing! I don't think I can resist you," Remus said sarcastically. 

Sirius shook his head, his hair falling in perfect form around his face. "What is it about me that makes me so dashing, do you think Remus?" 

"Most likely it's the adorable, curly hair." 

"My hair is not adorable. It's manly and um..." 

"Layered?" 

Sirius batted his eyes at Remus. "Don't tell me I don't turn you on," he said. 

Remus rolled his eyes nonchalantly. "You don't turn me on." 

Sirius tousled his hair and struck a provocative pose. He couldn't help but relish in the idea of Remus growing hard as he looked upon him. "How 'bout now, then?" he asked. Remus looked him up and down, studying his boyfriend carefully. God, he was gorgeous. 

"Eh," he shrugged. "I guess I'd shag you. But I don't know if that's saying much," he decided. 

Sirius began to make his decision worthwhile by pulling off his t-shirt vigorously and making a reach towards Remus' belt buckle. 

"Trust me," Sirius said. "It's saying a lot." 

The rain was beating melodically against the windows. 

Sirius dropped to his knees. His eyes were lustrous against the fierce candlelight and his skin glowed with warmth as he pushed any thoughts besides Remus from his mind. 

Remus shuddered as Sirius took him in his mouth. "Oh god, not here. Not um…not…mmm. Sirius…" 

The rain had become a slight drizzle a half hour later when the two boys were lying in bed together, wearing nothing but each other. Moonlight streaked through the bedroom window, casting a soft light on their bodies. 

Sirius smoothed Remus' tangled hair and laid his head against a chest covered in scars. He traced them with his finger. 

"I don't want you to die," said a shaky voice. 

"I'm not going to die, Moony." 

Remus sat up, knocking Sirius' head away from his chest. "You're not telling me something." 

Sirius' eyes darted to Remus'. What did he know? "What do you suppose it is I'm not telling you, hmm?" 

"It doesn't matter. If you haven't told me already I don't expect you to tell me now." 

"Moony, it's nothing. I- 

"Sirius, who do you think I am? Who the fuck do you think I am?" He stood from the bed, wrapping his nakedness in a blanket. Sirius stared at him in awe. 

"Don't curse, Moony. It sounds quite unnatural to hear you say fuck." 

Remus pulled at his hair in frustration. "Shut up! I say fuck when I want! I tell you what I think when I'm thinking it! I bloody love you and you can't even be decent enough to tell me the truth! So say it Sirius! Say it!" 

Sirius jumped from the bed and made a move towards Remus, who shoved him away and turned his back to him. 

"Remus." He wrapped his arms around him forcefully. Remus tried to push him away but couldn't. Sirius held him tightly. "I refuse to let you go," he whispered in his ear. "You can be so stubborn. Stop trying to get away from me and I'll tell you something." He felt Remus' heart beating quickly against his chest. 

Sirius leaned his head into Remus' neck and kissed it, stalling to rid his voice of its waver. After a moment, he conjured a calm voice and spoke. "I'm in love with you and I want to tell you everything but I can't. You know I can't. Just like you can't tell me everything. It's dangerous to have secrets, but it's even more dangerous to go telling them. Especially to one of your best mates. I know things that you can't know and I don't want…I don't want to go putting you in danger that you needn't be in. So don't ask me Remus. Don't ask me and I won't ask you and we can both go on living for a little while longer." 

He pulled the blanket from Remus' waist so their bodies were touching skin to skin. He blew on the back of Remus' neck, who leaned into him. 

"Don't," he said. Though the words no sooner left him than he turned around to face pale blue eyes. "I've been trying really hard and I feel wretched admitting this." He paused as if considering what he was about to say. "I can't trust you." 

"That's okay. I can't trust you either," said Sirius, moving a hand to touch the face before him. 

"Can we agree we're both lying bastards then, and leave it at that?" 

"If you promise to never leave my bed with the covers again. I'm freezing my bits off for Christ's sake." 

An hour later, after some tea, some talking, and shag number four, Sirius saw Remus from his flat with a kiss. 

"Going to ask Dumbledore about Peter?" Remus asked him as they both stood in the doorway. 

"Something like that, I think." 

"Dumbledore won't tell you if it's something he plans to keep a secret, you know." 

"Enough about secrets. Besides Moony, have you forgotten completely of my perfect bone structure and witty charm?" 

"Oh right. Forgot about those. Good luck, then." He gave Sirius a kiss on the cheek and turned to leave. 

"Oh, and Remus?" 

"Yes?" he asked turning around. 

"It was spectacular." 

Remus laughed and waved goodbye. Sirius watched him walk away…he looked great from behind… 

When Remus had apparated, Sirius pulled his traveling cloak tightly around his shoulders and mounted his motorbike. He silently thanked the rain for stopping and revved the engine. The enchanted bike began to lift off from the ground and into the air. Sirius hit the gas. 

Peter was in hideout, beings as he was the secret-keeper for the Potters. A position that had been zealously offered to Sirius, who refused. Give it to Peter, he had said. No one will ever expect Peter… 

He rode through the night sky, the cool air nipping at his face. He thought back on his evening with Remus; how odd he had been acting. They didn't usually argue like that and Sirius couldn't help but feel a sting of hurt from what had been said to him. I can't trust you, Remus had said. Was it possible that he had the same doubts about Sirius that Sirius had for him? Could Remus really believe him to be the spy for Voldemort? The thought was terribly unsettling. Sirius was in the middle of imagining himself in a deatheater mask when he spotted the place he had been looking for. A small house in the outskirts of London. 

He steered his bike downwards and landed it gently on the grass still slick with rain. He stepped off the motorbike and shook his hair so the long wisps fell into his face. He looked at the house and, almost instantly, knew something was wrong. 

There was nothing unusual about it. The lawn was unkempt and weedy, of course, and the house was near impossible to see if you didn't know where to look from all the underbrush growing along side it. 

It looked as it always looked. 

But something was terribly wrong. 

Sirius entered the cottage hurriedly, after breaking the wards (he had, after all, helped create them). He found that the living room was clean. The bathroom was tidy, as well. There was no sign of a struggle, no sign of a fight. But… 

Peter was gone. His belongings were missing. His clothes, toothbrush, and suitcase… everything was gone. 

Sirius felt his stomach lurch. 

"God no," he heard himself whisper. 

He was back on his motorbike in seconds, flying hastily towards…well, towards the first sign of destruction he could find. 

Minutes rolled by sluggishly while Sirius drove through the air as fast as he could. His mind was reeling. He had to get to James. Maybe it wasn't too late. 

Then he saw the mark in the air, and the wreckage of the house below, and a large, blubbering figure amongst it. 

He landed his motorbike, jumped off quickly and ran towards the figure that proved to be Rubeus Hagrid. 

"Hagrid! What's happened? Where are James and Lily? Where's Harry? Is everyone alright?" Sirius was white and shaking. 

Hagrid shook his head and it was then that Sirius noticed the small child in his arms. A scar like lightening streaked across his forehead. 

"Hagrid. I…please tell me they're okay." 

But Sirius knew the answer before he got it. 

"They're…dead!" Hagrid sobbed. 

"What?" Sirius ran past Hagrid and into the house. He took out his wand, "Lumos!" 

Light illuminated from the tip. He traced it like a flashlight, scanning the damage. Chairs were overturned. A framed picture of James, Lily, and himself was lying in shattered bits on the ground. A crib also lay on its side. 

Sirius gasped as the light landed on a familiar face. Messy, black hair. Glasses pushed to the very edge of the nose. 

He cried aloud, rushing to his best friends' side. "James! James!" He called in earnest. He grasped the lifeless hand in his own, squeezing it tightly. His skin was still warm. "James, James. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." 

Another body. 

A woman lying face down, red hair flowing out behind her. Sirius turned her over gently. Found that her eyes were as blank as her husband's. 

"No," he said. "No, no, no…" tears of anger flowed steadily down his face. 

Peter was the only one who knew…Just that morning he had been made secret-keeper…that very morning. 

Sirius heard footsteps behind him.

He stood up and turned around, measuring eyelevel to Hagrid's elbow. For a moment, the two men just stared at each other, both in disbelief and tears. Once again, Sirius' gaze fell upon his godson.

"Give Harry to me, Hagrid. I'm his godfather. I'll look after him."

"Can't do tha' Sirius…" Loud sobs were stifled in between the words. "Was Dumbledore's orders ter get Harry ter his aunt and uncle's."

"He's my godson, Hagrid. James would want…" he struggled with the words. "I know he'd want me to take him."

"I know he would, but Dumbledore said-

"Take my motorbike, then. You'll get there faster. Besides, I won't be needing it anymore." He turned from Hagrid and began to walk slowly down the street, his wand held firmly in his shaking hands. He heard the rumble of the motorbike as Hagrid flew off into the night with Harry.

Sirius Black held the scrap of newspaper in his hands. The skinny rodent stared up at him.

For James, for Remus, for his godson, for absolution…Sirius knew what he had to do.

Remus

Deep, dangerous eyes stare into his own as he lies on the forest floor. Hair as black as the sky falls boyishly against strong shoulders beside him, against him, over him. The stars above them twinkle with meaning and, Remus thinks to himself, so does Sirius. 

With such a long time passed, there is no time for words, no time for explanation; only deliberate physical evidence that attraction never fades and love never dies. The two friends disappear into a mix of scars, sweat, and the desperation to feel the other close. 

Because as close as possible has never been close enough. 

Both breathless and overwhelmed with intensity, a rush of fire pulses through Remus' body, leaving him trembling with pleasure against a cool, dirt bed. He feels the precious weight of a body lift off of him. 

He rolls onto his side. A small rock is pressing into his thigh, but he doesn't make to move it. He's unimaginably happy, staring once again at his sweaty, shaggy haired friend. 

Sirius lies naked in the dirt beside him, a blissful smile painted on his flawless face. 

"Moony," says Sirius, his voice dripping with sincerity. "I know it is so incredibly poofy of me to say but that was indeed, another spectacular shag and I love you." 

Remus' lips rise to meet Sirius'. 

"I love y-" 

Remus awoke with a jerk on an early, summer morning. Eyes wide and hair matted with sweat, he rose halfway up from where he lay and then, remembering where he was, cautiously lowered himself back down. Swiping the hair from his eyes, he glanced to his left where a young woman lay beside him. He prayed silently that she wouldn't be woken and then, with a certain urgency, rose from bed again and stumbled his way into the bathroom.

"Bloody hell," he cursed aloud as he examined his, now, rather perturbed pair of drawers. Removing them with more than a tinge of embarrassment and turning on the shower faucet, Remus ran through the happenings of his dream. He had been in a forest with Sirius. He had been shagging Sirius. Sirius told him he loved him and now Remus had to change his underwear as if he were thirteen years old again. He shouldn't still be having this same dream. It was insufferable.

Of course it wasn't always exactly the same. Sometimes they were in a library (Remus' personal favorite). Sometimes Remus even found Sirius and himself back at Hogwarts on the Quidditch field. And of course last week there had been that bit at Wand Wavers…

"Bloody hell," he repeated, sticking his hand under the freezing water to test its pressure.

The drops of liquid felt like a million shards of glass sticking into his skin.

Perfect.

"I was going to tell him I loved him," he said as he faced himself in the dusty wall mirror.

Well you do, he thought.

The scars running across his face didn't help his haggard appearance.

Wait, he urged himself, pulling off his ragged undershirt; more scars. I don't love Sirius.

…Sirius Black, the man who betrayed Lily and James and killed Peter, not to mention twelve others. The man he used to think of as his brother…often times more than his brother…no, he didn't love that Sirius, not anymore.

He couldn't stand to let himself feel that way. He'd spent enough years thinking about him, enough years mourning over him, and Remus was tired.

He swallowed hard as a shudder of inexplicable pain swept through his chest; pounded in his heart. He blinked determinedly and tried to forget the eyes from the dream. But it was such a good dream and they were such beautiful eyes…they were always so beautiful.

"Fuck it," he said and he stepped into the forgiving spray of the shower. He let the ice cold water run over his body. He had grown thinner over the past years.

With grief, perhaps?

No, he argued, with time.

He stuck his head under the water and rubbed his eyes groggily. He imagined long, dark hair and how good it would feel to brush against him just once more…

"This is no good," he muttered and turned the shower knob to an even icier temperature. Remus focused his eyes on a particularly boring wall tile and tried to concentrate solely on that.

But how could he? **He'd just had a wet dream about shagging Sirius fucking Black**!

"One can't just forget these things," he confessed to the wall tile. He could have sworn the tile gave him a sympathetic nod in turn, but then again, it was so early and he was half asleep.

Such a ridiculous situation to be in, and so embarrassing. He would have laughed if it had happened to anyone else. Sex dreams about Sirius Black? And in the forest, of all places, this time! He silently prided himself on his ever-surprising creativity.

Remus grinned and a tear escaped from his eye, rolling down his cheek. He tasted it on his lips, surprised of its presence.

He missed him so much.

"Remus, are you alright?"

Remus jumped in horror and made a rather high-pitched squeal as the gray shower curtains swung back. Now, helplessly sitting on the shower floor and staring up at a vision of passion purple in knickers and a wand, Remus tried to compose himself.

Hard to do, it turns out…

"Tonks! I…er…well, you see…" Remus sputtered nervously. "Blimey, you scared me half to death, did you know that? What are you doing sneaking up on me?"

He thought for a moment he had caught a glimpse of hurt in her soft green eyes but if it was there, it was gone a moment later.

"Don't be such a girl Remus," she said as she stared down at him accusingly. "What are you doing anyway? Taking a shower at this time in the morning? Merlin! The water's bloody freezing! Are you ill?"

Remus shook his head, too embarrassed to meet her eyes. Had she spotted his reminiscently pubescent drawers lying on display on the floor?

She turned off the water and held up her wand amusedly.

"Accio towel," she said. A pink, fluffy towel came hovering into the room and into her hands. She lowered her wand and handed the towel to Remus, her soft hands grazing his slightly. He smiled at her sheepishly and stood up, wrapping the girlish towel around his waist. The hair on his arms stood on end as he shivered from the cold, his slight body glistening with water droplets.

Tonks allowed her eyes to linger on what she thought to be her adorably wet boyfriend. Then she stepped into the shower with him. Another cause to Remus' ever nearing anxiety attack.

"What are you doing?" Remus asked, trying to stifle his uneasiness of the situation. Tonks just smiled and shrugged, sliding her skinny arms around Remus' hips.

"Erm…" he began but was stopped by her lips pressing tenderly against his neck.

"I think you're quite cute when you're wet and nervous, Remus," she said. She kissed him again on the mouth, her hands exploring his body freely. He gasped for air and backed away from her slightly, quite aware that he was acting like a fussy teenager, but unable to stop it.

"What's wrong? What is it?" she asked. She had moved away from him as well, her expression foggy and befuddled.

"I er, don't think I can…" he trailed off. Her eyes seemed to grow disappointed with comprehension.

"I mean I can. I definitely can, Tonks. You're…er…beautiful," he finished awkwardly, somewhat looking her up and down. In truth, she did look quite stunning scantily clad. Her slim body was soft and feminine with a slight tan blushing at her face. But the thought of that after what had just happened? Actually, the thought of that most of the time…

"Remus?" Her voice broke and her eyes began to swell with tears.

Remus reached out and…patted her on the back.

Bad idea.

Tonks rushed from the bathroom and into their bedroom, slamming all doors in between. She threw herself down into the covers, ashamed of her self-pitying tears. Remus followed her reluctantly. He wasn't surprised, but pained, to see her crying thoroughly into the red and gold bed sheets.

He walked towards her while carefully keeping his distance.

"Tonks, it's not you, alright? There's nothing wrong with you." She looked up at him with tear stained cheeks.

"Nothing wrong with me? Remus! You haven't wanted to touch me for ages! It's like I always have to initiate sex and whenever I do, you never want it!" Remus recoiled with these words and Tonks pounded her fists into the mattress with frustration.

"Wait, I-" Remus tried to defend himself.

"Not just sex though. No! Any sort of physical contact at all seems to revolt you, doesn't it Rem? I'm completely repulsive, aren't I? Ugh" she broke off in a tirade of tears and curse words Remus didn't quite make out.

"Tonks I told you. It's not you-"

"It's me! I'm ugly! You're not attracted to me…I get it Remus," she choked out.

Right as Remus was feeling like the most enormous kind of jackass, something odd happened.

Tonks sort of stopped crying and her face started, instead, to flush with anger. She looked up at Remus with renowned satisfaction.

"Perhaps you'd prefer a different look, eh?"

Almost positive of what was to come, Remus twiddled his thumbs in quiet angst.

Sure enough, Tonks crinkled her nose and narrowed her eyes. Seconds later, her cropped, purple hair began to grow longer and darker, until it stopped at her shoulders, as black and shaggy as a dog's. She opened her, now pale blue eyes to him once more, a satisfied look crossing her face as Remus shook in anger.

"What do you mean by that exactly, Tonks?" he asked her.

"You know exactly what I mean."

She stood up and walked the length of the room until there was barely an inch between them. He could feel her warm breath against his chest. She had gotten the hair down perfectly. A tingle shot down his neck. He shook it off aggressively and centered his focus on Tonks and away from the excitement growing in his…er…chest.

Remus found that, however taunting the stunt, he couldn't help but acknowledge the beautiful eyes staring back at him.

"Do you fancy me now?" she asked. "Is this look more abiding to your um," she shot a glance down at Remus' growing excitement, "needs?"

Remus shook his head and looked away from her. She grabbed his face in her hands and, almost violently, twisted it back so he was facing her again.

For a moment Remus wasn't sure who he was looking at. Surely not the happy, quirky girl he'd been living with for over a year.

In her place, was a girl whose eyes burned with emotion. A girl whose lips were most unattractively pursed.

She opened her mouth to say something and Remus cringed. Her face fell and she let out a large, pathetic sigh.

She turned from Remus and walked back to the bed.

"I'm sorry I can't be who you want Remus," she said, crawling back into the safety of the blankets. Remus stared at her now purple hair, and joined her in bed after only a moment's hesitation.

"I didn't mean to bring it up that way. I know how hard it's been…losing a…a friend like that…" she whispered after they had been lying in silence for a few uncomfortable minutes.

Remus said nothing. He just rested his head against the plush pillows with his eyes tightly shut, trying not to cry. This had been too much Sirius Black in one night.

"Remus?" she whispered, leaning into his ear. "I still want you…even if you don't want me." Her hand found his under the covers and he gave it a light squeeze to show he understood.

Tonks scooted herself closer. Soon her body was warm against his, her small hands gliding smoothly across his bare stomach.

"Tonks?" Remus' voice sounded so hollow in the large, shadowed room.

"Yes?" she asked, the gratefulness that he was speaking to her again clearly evident in her voice.

"Of course I want you," he said…he lied.

Sudden discomfort forced him to remember the pink towel still wrapped around his waist. He let Tonks remove it for him without argument.

Sometimes it's just easier to let your body be distracted. Sometimes it's better not to think about him.

Remus closed his eyes as Tonks moved on top of him, guiltily imagining himself once more on the forest floor.

Sometimes you just need to pretend.

Remus Lupin woke up that morning with a very fragile Nymphadora Tonks wrapped in his arms. Her face looked somewhat paler than it had the night before (or had it been the morning?) when they'd had their brief argument followed by even briefer sex (if at all possible). Memories from the tiff pounded in his head like a morning after too much fire whiskey.

Remus tried to recall the basic occurrences: Another utmost embarrassing nighttime ejaculation about Sirius, interrupted cold shower by Tonks, horribly inadequate sex with Tonks, and OH YES! Let's not forget Tonks changing to look like Sirius and having it actually TURN ME ON!

How utterly pathetic.

"Kill me now," Remus uttered to himself. He looked down at Tonks and tried to figure a way out of ever having to face her again. Yes, he was a grown man but…no, he couldn't bare the embarrassing extremities crossed last night (or was it this morning?). At long last, Remus decided that a good cup of coffee and piece of chocolate would sort him out.

He quietly slipped from her spindly arms, pulled on underwear, jeans, and a comfy sweater, and made his way down creaky steps and into a dank kitchen.

Aching with every step he took, Remus absentmindedly located the coffee and cream. He looked back to the stairs, making sure Tonks wasn't coming.

Then, he purposefully stepped on an especially brown floorboard, revealing a secret cubby underneath, hidden away from prying eyes. He knelt down and grazed his hands over the elegant, wooden box beneath him. He opened its lid tenderly and took a few pieces of chocolate from inside. The box had been a gift from Sirius in his 7th year at Hogwarts, filled with wonderful chocolates of every flavor imaginable… The box was the same; the chocolate inside however, had long since been refilled…

It was the best gift Remus had ever received and he cherished it with the greatest of care.

So exhausted that he definitely overdid it on the cream, Remus sat on his front porch drinking milky coffee and viewing the warm, summer sky. Without a doubt, his eyes were peeled for the morning owl carrying his copy of The Daily Prophet. Not to mention his expectations of a letter from Albus Dumbledore, which would with good hope, contain his acceptance of a teaching position at Hogwarts.

He took a long sip from the warm mug in his hands and set it down on the stone steps beside him. He broke off a block of chocolate and popped it in his mouth, chewing in concentration. Where was the owl with his letter?

The front door creaked open. Remus looked up to find Tonks in her morning gown, staring aimlessly past him.

"Wotcher Tonks," he said. When she looked at him, he gave her what he hoped to be, a winning smile. But when she looked away, not exchanging a smile in return, he figured his face had probably contorted into a frightening grimace instead.

So he was surprised when he heard her speak with such an airy tone.

"Have the owls come with the paper yet, Remus?" she asked him. He shook his head no and she nodded.

"I'm about to take a shower. I assume there's plenty of hot water this morning, then?" she asked, though it sounded to Remus as more of a statement.

"Yes, I suppose there should be," said Remus in a shaky voice. Tonks' tone never wavered.

"Great. You know Remus, if you're going to have a wank in the bathroom in the middle of the night-"

"Actually, it was this morning-"

"-the least you could do is pick up your fucking dirty underwear. You know, not leave them there on the floor like some god-awful reminder to me that I can't get you off myself," she said with a scowl on her face. "Thanks a lot."

He refrained from telling her that he had not had a wank but a wet dream and that if he had in fact had a wank, he would never have been so sloppy as to make a mess out of his panties.

She turned to go inside but stopped herself. "You didn't have to lie to me, Remus. If you didn't want to…you didn't have to lie."

He looked her dead in the dark brown eyes and said, "Better than you crying all over me."

Tonks looked for a moment as if she would very much like to perform some horrible jinx on Remus and he immediately regretted what he had said to her. Thankfully, she settled for a swift bonk on the head and a stolen piece of chocolate.

"That's mine," Remus said, struggling to get the sweet back from her. He playfully grabbed at her ankles, causing her to fall to her knees. She laughed at the surprising impact. So did Remus.

She ate the piece of chocolate and Remus offered her another. She waved it off and he put it in his own mouth, letting it melt on his tongue.

"Wotcher Remus," she said as she ruffled his blonde hair. She gave him a kiss on the cheek and whispered in his ear, "I can look like him whenever you like, you know."

When Remus understood what she meant, he looked up at her in shock. Or rather, he looked up at the empty space she had previously been occupying. He caught sight only of the end of her robes as the front door shut gently.

Well at least she wasn't angry with him anymore. Or was she? Remus was left feeling very immature from all of it. Who honestly had girl problems anymore?

This is why you're gay, Remus thought to himself. This is why Sirius was good for you.

He took a moment to curse his subconscious for conjuring up such an elaborate lie.

Admittedly, it wasn't much of a lie at all. But Remus had been trying so hard to be as normal as possible. To be as straight as possible ever since Sirius stopped being in his life.

Which is why you fucked Sirius Black, I suppose. That was a dream! Sure.

Remus was unable to dwell on these very interesting thoughts however, as an owl came swooping from the sky, headed straight for his doorstep.

"Splendid," he sighed, eager to receive news from Dumbledore and think of something other than Sirius. Anything other than Sirius. But the owl didn't have a letter for him, only _The Daily Prophet_, which Remus took and threw into his lap, not bothering to take a second glance. He gave the owl a knut and a pet. "Thanks very much." It cooed at him wistfully, fluffing up its glamorous wings.

Remus laughed at this and patted her on the back. "Off you go."

Off it went.

Remus took another sip of his coffee, it was getting cold, and looked down at the paper.

"Oh my god," he said in a voice much louder than intended.

The coffee mug in his hands dropped and shattered all over the stone walkway.

Remus' heart might have stopped beating.

His eyes widened in disbelief.

The world was frozen for the instant it took Remus to recognize the eyes staring back at him from the front page of _The_ _Daily Prophet._

Those same deep, dangerous eyes. He read the headline-

**Mass Murderer Sirius Black Escapes From Azkaban!**

Spectacular.


End file.
